This week consisted of what some may consider major – I moved home and into a completely brand new apartment.
Brand new in every sense of the word, newly built, brand new walls, tiles, doors, en-suite and gorgeous Egyptian styled bathrooms. It’s a beautiful home a much bigger space than I previously had and floods in lots of light. Just amazing!
Yet here I was, a sadness and heaviness washing over me. I was in a complete “funk” and I just couldn’t shift it. And now the guilt was beginning to grip me. Admittedly the new place has no kitchen…yet. Again this is also brand new and with the Christmas period will not be arriving until AFTER the season is well and truly over. I knew this from before moving in. Then there’s the fact the flat is extremely cold as yes, it’s brand new and hasn’t had time to warm up yet! I know, yet I’m still in a funk, feeling like a two year old skulking off into a corner wanting to scream, stamp my feet and wail!
The next morning having had about 4 hours sleep, I awake in tune with my body clock 5:45am sharp and get myself ready for work. I arrive at my place of work where I have been for the last four months and still feel in a “funk”.
My boss; a popular, vibrant and animated character excitedly asks how my first night was in my new place. I do not lie, explaining the place is beautiful, but extremely cold and bereft of a kitchen. I plug my headphones in, wanting to stay quiet and complete my tasks alone. I haven’t known my colleagues for very long and there are some days where they excitedly chat amongst themselves, arrange lunch plans, discuss their shared weekends and it feels as if a rapport between them and myself has yet to be established.
I stay plugged in for most of the day, feeling comforted in my world filled of empowering music. I don’t feel like speaking. To anyone. I start to enjoy this feeling. It feels authentic. I feel somewhat weightless, I do not care what anyone thinks nor am I trying to please anyone. I relax further, as my colleagues mill around me in the distance.
At the end of the day, I leave the office for home, returning with food and gas to heat the apartment up.
The flat doesn’t feel so cold this evening I think to myself as I begin unpacking a few of the many boxes. Later that evening I have a hot bath and pull on my pink fluffy dressing gown. I feel safe and secure, the iciness of my mood subsiding and I feel as if I am beginning to thaw out. Like a storm…the “funk” is passing.
I was raised to believe expressing anger and “moodiness” was being rude and insolent and thus “bad” or “wrong” I always hid these emotions from people, either pretending to be okay and although I say “pretending” I had become so accustomed to it, it didn’t much feel like pretending. Sometimes even I believed I was indeed “fine” or the mood seemingly disappeared altogether.
I grew up associating these emotions with upsetting others and therefore potentially losing them which ties in with an overall fear of rejection.
I also couldn’t bear others feeling anger or being in a “bad” mood and would work tirelessly to “fix it” to change, to make them laugh. Anything… just to make them happy again. You can see now how I would be the perfect bait for emotional manipulators and abusers. I became crippled by the silent treatment – being ignored equating to my very own version of kryptonite.
Not labelling my emotions good nor bad and acknowledging my feelings without attaching them to anything or anyone allowed me to completely be myself. I wasn’t “fine” and I didn’t pretend to be and you know what… it felt extremely liberating too!
How are you really feeling today?