A Human-Doing

After a weekend partying with friends, which from my post-alcoholic haze involved lots of dancing namely to Beyoncé’s ‘single ladies’ Ri-Ri’s ‘We found love’ and other r n b commercial hits. The haze also included loud cringe-worthy conversations which despite the flashbacks, I struggled to piece together.

I awoke with an agonising familiarity of extreme unfulfilment, trying to shake it off as an alcohol-induced comedown only heightened the feeling I had come to know only too well after a night out.

I loved my friends, loved dancing, loved Bey, loved Ri. I just couldn’t rid the feeling of wanting more.

Mornings, following these particular nights out almost always left me questioning what I was gaining as evidently it was making me feel sad and wondering about my true place in the world. Lying alone in my bed, I was completely unrecognisable from the happy, booty-shaking and vivacious woman I was… only the night before.

Closing my eyes, desperate to both simultaneously sleep and escape these thoughts and feelings, I was unable to achieve either. (Another symptom of my post night out). I decided to try and meditate, go into myself and follow the feelings of unfulfilment. Taking deep breaths and visualising an old unused well much-like the rabbit hole featured in Alice in Wonderland; I climbed into it, plunging into the depths of my soul.

Opening my eyes suddenly and losing my visual…

I realised I was lost both metaphorically speaking and as a person. It dawned on me. ‘I don’t have a purpose and if I do, I don’t know what it is!’

Panic stricken and hopelessly tossing and turning in my bed I grabbed my phone, deciding to search the Internet to “discover my purpose” I tapped my question into “The Google” (The name I call it!) and it came up with infinite results. I selected one which droned on for what felt like a lifetime about Christianity. I moved on swiftly to another one, this time this particular one offered a strategy on HOW to ‘discover your purpose’

I didn’t have time to take the quiz.

I.

NEEDED.

TO.

KNOW.

NOW.

Exiting “The Google” dissatisfied and wanting instant gratification, I decided to ask my closest friends. I mean what are friends for if they are unable to tell me my purpose or help me with discovering it right? I messaged a very good male friend on Sunday morning at 10am, a friend who was more than likely out the night before too but who in my opinion had an unshakeable sense of self and accepted me and my often random questions about…

pretty much anything….

He seemed the perfect candidate.

I tapped into the message bar:

‘Good morning! Do you have a purpose in life and if so, do you know what it is?’ and hit send. I received a reply from him almost instantly and excitedly grabbed my phone. His message read:

‘I am faaaar too hungover for this deep convo right now’ with a hand on head shocked face emoji

In some ways I welcomed the light-hearted distraction. The thought of him lying in his bed…6ft 5 hungover, bleary eyed, feeling sorry for himself, hearing his phone go off and reaching for his phone in anticipation of relief – only to be greeted by the magnitude of my question made me howl with laughter!! Ha!

Accepting this response but still no closer to knowing the answer I asked a few more friends and although at least they discussed it with me at length. Some said they were unsure, some said children, some said religion. Great(!) I thought – here I was single, lying in a drunken stupor, no where near even being pregnant and doubted somehow I would be chosen by God to become the next Virgin Mary or in my case – Dionne.

I let it go for the moment but it still played on in the background of my mind like static radio noise terrorising me each time I went to a party I didn’t fancy, joined in with someone else’s hobby or did something aimlessly unaware of my reason for doing it.

Mentally exhausted and both extremely frustrated and annoyed at myself. I wondered why I continued indulging in all these activities if I felt soo unfulfilled? Was I playing victim, an attention-seeker or even a masochist? ‘What the actual fuck Dionne?!’

Deciding on taking another approach I sat compassionately and asked in a gentler tone ‘What do YOU want?’

Such a simple yet powerful question which unlocked the answers only I had the keys to…

From within.

Suddenly I understood exactly why everyone’s answers left me unsatisfied.- ‘They’re everyone else’s ideas and NOT mine, thus not meant for me.

Looking back I had become so agreeable, my ‘yes’ to others requests defying myself and my needs when I truly meant ‘no’. I had become a human-doing rather than a human-being.

I had been living out of fear for well, as long as I could remember. Fear of being alone, abandoned, unaccepted and unconsciously placing my happiness in the hands of others.

The dull ache of unfulfilment combined with acute boredom, I had been experiencing was the result of playing the starring role in other people lives. This self-assigned role often lead to catastrophic episodes such as drama, anxiety, insecurity but mainly unhappiness.

Somehow along the way I had learnt to silence my OWN voice; in favour of pleasing others which festered into resentment, rendering me a powerless wretch crippled with a deep sense of self-loathing.

I am truly grateful to discover the answers within and now recognise all these feelings and emotions were messages from the universe. Love notes informing me I wasn’t walking in my own truth and if anything, leading me in the complete opposite direction of MY purpose or even discovering it!

LESSONS LEARNT AND GOING FORWARD!

Although I have had my first a-ha moment; I realise I am still taking baby steps, and as selfish as it may sound, I am trusting the process and looking-forward to finally listening and pleasing self. There is a big wide world out there to explore, new experiences to be had as I begin a journey of introspection!!

I am already feeling less exhausted and ask myself throughout the day – the question ‘What do YOU want?’ honing my new-founded skills of self-inquiry and self-soothing…I am slowly, slowly gaining power and learning to trust myself.

I am walking in my truth and have decided to map it (This is where the blog comes in) by choosing to become more conscious of the things that DO make me happy and if I veer off (which I am in no doubt I will) I either explore that road or bring myself back on track. It’s a win-win… (Yay!!)

I also feel like this blog is the beginning of a great story and adventure (completely unbiased of course(!) Having felt insecurities, fears, and extreme loneliness at times I know only too well the crippling affliction these feelings can cause; such as the self doubt, THE LOUD INNER CRITIC VOICE wreaking havoc and learned helplessness/powerlessness.

Although I want to challenge myself, I also want to create a community whereby I can empower, entertain, uplift, provide light-hearted humour, inspire and share life experiences, perspectives and stories and evoke self-discovery in others to recognise their own gifts/talents/purpose

We heal and grow by uplifting others.

Love and light

Dionne

xxxx

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